


Light

by sadgirlsidney



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anorexia, Anxiety, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Not Canon Compliant, OFC needs a hug, Protective Bucky Barnes, Self-Esteem Issues, Soft Bucky Barnes, body image issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:07:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27792781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadgirlsidney/pseuds/sadgirlsidney
Summary: Katelyn Owens went from barely making rent from her job as a barista at an increasingly busy, incredibly understaffed coffee shop to living and working amongst actual, real-life superheroes. This once-in-a-lifetime opportunity changes her life for the better, and more than she ever thought possible.TW: This story depicts eating disorders and anxiety. Please read carefully.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Original Female Character(s), James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 51





	1. Prologue

“Iced oat milk latte with two pumps of vanilla for Crystal?”

“I get it, Pep. Look, I’ll take a look at the resumes when I get to them. It’s not actually that urgent. No, that’s not what I- you know what I meant.”

“Half-caf drip for Jordan?”

“And I’m not saying it’s not important. I’m just saying I haven’t gotten around to it, but I will, just not yet. Okay, okay… Oh no, I’m going through a tunnel, I think I’m losing you…” Tony quickly ripped the phone away from his ear and hit “end call.” A shitty move, definitely, but he was tired of Pepper nagging him about the new position. He basically owned the Avengers, for god’s sake - he knew what he was doing. 

“Iced black tea lemonade for Georgia?”

Tony finally pulled off his sunglasses as he neared the front of the line. He had stumbled into a coffee shop near the tower that he had always seen but never ventured into, until now. It was a quaint little space, not overly-hipster like most of those newer places he saw popping up on every corner in New York City. In spite of its smaller size, it had quite the line formed, though Tony hadn’t even noticed it in his anxiousness to end the call with Pepper. 

As he got closer to the counter, Tony realized that there was only one girl working this particular shift, taking and filling orders at a seemingly inhuman pace. He watched as she wrote down names and orders, swiped cards, counted change, steamed milk, pulled shots, and called names in record time. 

Before long, Tony found himself face-to-face with the barista. She stood smiling softly at him – if she recognized him, she didn’t show it – and Tony could tell she had asked him a question that he hadn’t heard. “I’m sorry?”

She let out a light giggle. “I asked you how your day has been?”

“Stressful. I could really use a pick-me-up right about now. What do you recommend?”

She looked up thoughtfully before returning her eye contact. “Hmm. Well, if it’s caffeine you’re after, you’d probably enjoy an americano. I can even throw in an extra shot for you,” she said with a smile. 

“Make that two extra shots.”

She nodded, quickly grabbing a cup and a sharpie to take down his order. “Got it. Anything else for you?”

“Nope. That’ll be it.” Tony handed her a twenty. “Keep the change. Thank you…” he paused, gesturing towards her nametag, worn down and not exactly legible.

“Katelyn,” she kindly supplied. “Thank you! I’ll have that to you in just a sec.”

As Tony moved to the pick-up area, he continued to observe Katelyn maneuvering between taking orders and making drinks with an impressive efficiency and demeanor. The idea was already fully-formed in his mind when he heard “Americano for Tony?”

Apparently, she had recognized him, which made things a little easier. “Thanks Katelyn. Actually,” he said, before she could turn away. “Sorry, I know you’re busy right now. But I have an opportunity I’d like to discuss with you, if you’re up to it. Here’s my contact info,” he explained, handing her his business card. “Let me know when a good time to set up an interview would be.” And with that, he walked out of the shop, the bell on the door ringing as the girl behind the counter stood in shock.

\----------

That had been two months ago. Now, Katelyn was officially acting as the Assistant to the Avengers Team. The job had been daunting at first, but after what Tony saw at the coffee shop, he knew that if anyone could handle it, it would be her.

“Katie girl! How was your weekend?” Tony strode up to her desk, pulling off his sunglasses with a grin on his face. 

“It was good. Spent a lot of time online shopping for some more décor for my space,” Katelyn said with a smile. 

Tony scoffed. “Did you at least use my card?” he asked, his eyes narrowing when Katie didn’t reply. “Kid, seriously. I’m the one who made you move in here. You shouldn’t have to spend your personal money on that stuff.”

Katelyn sighed. “You’ve just been so generous with allowing me to live in the tower, it’s really not necessary. I can handle the rest.” 

Tony frowned. “Fine,” he said, turning to walk away before pausing and looking back. “Unrelated, I’ve just decided to give you a two-month anniversary bonus for doing such a great job. See ya!” he called, rushing out before Katie could protest.

Katelyn groaned. Sometimes the guy was just too generous for his own good, but she understood that it was just his way of caring for the people around him. She had learned a lot about him and every other individual on the team over the past couple of months, from how they took their coffee to what motivated them to get out of bed in the morning. She had formed good relationships with each member of the Avengers, and they all treasured her as an assistant and as a friend. But Katelyn kept a lot of personal things quiet; she didn’t like to be the center of attention in any way, and had been pretty cautious when it came to letting people in.

Soon, that would change.


	2. Katelyn Anna Owens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn't an illness, it was a way of life.
> 
> It was what kept her head above water.
> 
> She was fine. 
> 
> _TW: eating disorders, anxiety_

6:00am – Wake up to alarm.

Brush teeth.

Drink water.

Morning workout.

Drink more water.

Shower. Get ready for the day.

Coffee – black. Always black. In a reusable travel mug covered in pastel flowers.

Katelyn Anna Owens liked structure. She liked believing that she had control over her day, from start to finish. She liked knowing what would happen at each moment of each day, something that she struggled to accomplish in a job like hers. It’s why she had liked her job at the coffee shop. 

But she also wasn’t one to back down from a challenge. If she was given a chance to push herself, to be better, she would take it.

The clicking of her heels echoed through the hallway as Katelyn made her way to the elevator. “FRIDAY, office please,” she requested, leaning back in the far corner of the elevator and taking another slow sip of her drink. Last night had been a particularly difficult one, and she took the last few moments of silence and solitude on the trip down to compose herself and prepare to start the day. 

The doors opened, and the mask went up. Katelyn had spent years mastering this mask, and at this point it was almost second nature. “Morning Katie!” a chirpy 30-something blonde called out as Katelyn made her way through the office spaces. “Good morning Tara! How was Eli’s birthday party?” Tara’s eyes lit up at the mention of her now five year old son. “So much fun! He got to see all of his cousins, which was great.”

Katelyn smiled softly. “That sounds wonderful, I’m glad it was a success. I’m just sorry I couldn’t make it over.” Tara waved her hand. “No need to apologize. Although, Eli is insistent that for his sixth birthday party, you should be the guest of honor,” Tara said with a wink. “Oh, I’ll make sure to mark my calendar now,” Katelyn giggled. “Have a great day, let me know if you need anything!” “Ditto!” Tara called. 

After four more friendly conversations with her coworkers, Katelyn finally made it to her desk. It still made her smile to see a “Katelyn Owens” engraved name plate sitting on the right corner. She dropped her bag under her desk and logged in to her computer. 

Emails.

Messages.

Phone calls.

Scheduling. Meetings. Paperwork. Packages. Coordinating with the museum about details on a new piece involving Steve and Bucky. Finding an upscale catering company for Tony’s pre-planned celebration after the next mission. Heading up to the lab to coax some food into him and Bruce. Organizing the common room, kitchen, training room and storage spaces. Ordering groceries to feed an inventor, a scientist, two ex-assassins, and two super-soldiers. 

Plus, three to four caffeine refills.

Katelyn Owens liked structure. A therapist she saw once (literally, once) had said that it was because of her need to control things, most of the time to her detriment. For better or worse, Katelyn chose to reframe that idea, and told herself that she was just all about maximization. She wanted to maximize her time, her energy and her potential. She didn’t need to be the best in the world, but she did need to be the best possible version of herself. 

Which was probably one of the reasons why she didn’t often eat breakfast.

Or lunch.

Or dinner. 

Her relationship with food and eating was… complicated. 

Growing up, she was a quiet child with a loud mind. Her anxious thoughts spun around in her head in a constant stream of self-deprecation and worst-case scenarios. This generally presented itself as nail biting and culminated in panic attacks.

When she turned twelve, she became more self-aware. Appearance grew as a priority. And as she hit her teens, insecurities became more specific. 

She used to be thin, what happened?

Boys never seemed to look her way, she was unattractive.

Making friends never came naturally to her, she was too awkward and boring.

If she could just do better in algebra, maybe she would have some value. 

Maybe her father really could sense something from the start, and that’s why he abandoned her as a baby and never came back.

Maybe her mother was justified in blaming Katelyn for that. 

By fifteen, Katelyn had already come to the realization that food was the one thing she could actually control. She had the final say in what was allowed into her body. She could manipulate her appearance by controlling her diet. She spent years crafting her existence into one that others might appreciate. She was herself, and she was as genuine as possible with people she met, but she made sure to hide the dark parts of her mind deep, deep down – until, in the privacy of her own personal space, she could collapse into a pile of self-hatred and anxiety.

It wasn’t an illness, it was a way of life. 

It was what kept her head above water.

She was fine.


	3. A Soft Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Detaching himself from HYDRA was rough, but learning how he fit into this new world was harder. He read the books, watched the movies, listened to the music and connected to the people, but every so often Bucky still found himself slipping back into the darkness. 
> 
> Until her.
> 
> _TW: anxiety_

Years of training to become the world’s deadliest assassin left this century’s Bucky Barnes quieter and more observant than he remembered being in his youth. Before, he was the life of the party, but now, he often found himself content in the shadows.

Some decades ago, his precise eye was used to accurately aim a weapon or to latch onto the tiniest of facial cues during an interrogation. These days, he spent his time watching the world around him.

Detaching himself from HYDRA was rough, but learning how he fit into this new world was harder. He read the books, watched the movies, listened to the music and connected to the people, but every so often Bucky still found himself slipping back into the darkness. 

Until her.

The day Bucky met Katie, she was standing in front of the elevator with a couple of moving boxes piled in her arms, entirely hiding her small frame. Being the 40s gentleman his Ma had raised him to be, he offered to take the load for her. He immediately observed her kind, selfless nature as she led him up to the apartment Tony had designated for her and offered him a cup of hot cocoa - the beginning of a sweet friendship between the two.

Katelyn was light personified. Not a harsh, abrasive light that forced its way into view, but a soft, warm light that Bucky couldn’t help but lean into.

And that soft light grew to have an even softer place in his heart. 

Katie quickly became one of Bucky’s closest friends, rivaling Steve in how much she knew about him. He often interrupted her work days to take a walk or a coffee break. She taught him how to make the best blueberry muffins and made sure he never missed a meal. They always sat next to each other at movie night.

They had the kind of special dynamic Bucky never wanted to take for granted. He couldn’t be more grateful to have a friend like Katelyn.

\----------

“I’m sorry sir, I just don’t see why this is necessary.”

Fury raised an eyebrow at the metal-armed assassin. “Because, this is a delicate operation. You all need to be on your A-game, and to be honest, you need the help.”

“She’s a civilian. She isn’t trained to be in the line of fire, and would be subject to a great amount of danger.”

“She is also an honorary Avenger – it’s in her job title. She is more than capable of handling herself under fire, literally and figuratively.”

“Sir-“

“This is an order, Barnes.”

Bucky steeled his jaw. “Yes, sir.”

Fury nodded, looking back to the rest of the group. “So it’s settled. You have twenty-four hours before you are expected to be fully loaded on the quinjet and ready for takeoff,” Fury commanded before leaving the conference room, the door swinging behind him. 

A “ping” sounded around the room as Fury’s written orders were messaged to everyone involved. Bucky scrolled through the list, finding Katelyn’s name and orders and sighing, running a hand over his face.

Honestly, the mission wasn’t an overtly dangerous one. They were grabbing intel from an old, abandoned HYDRA base in a small European forest. He knew Katie was good at her job, she was organized and efficient and, like Fury said, more than capable of performing under pressure. But he couldn’t shake the feeling of protectiveness he felt over her. At least, he would be there with her as a first line of defense, should anything go wrong.

\---------- 

Katelyn’s eyebrows shot up when she got the notification. While she had planned and prepared for multiple missions in the last couple of months, she had not yet been on one, and wasn’t aware that she would. After all, she wasn’t a hero. She didn’t have the strength, skill, or stamina to fight the way the rest of the team did. But according to Fury’s orders, she was needed to help organize weaponry, supplies, and tech as well as monitoring communications during the mission. Because this particular operation was at an undisclosed location, it was necessary for Katelyn to be present at the location to oversee things from the jet. 

Katie spent the next twenty-four hours collecting weapons, testing systems, and helping her friends suit up. She double and triple-checked her lists, making sure everything was in order before boarding the quinjet. 

She found herself sat between Natasha and Bruce, her heart beating wildly with anxiety.

“You ready, Anna?” Nat questioned, elbowing Katie. Natasha was the only one who called Katelyn by her middle name, having a special fondness for the girl. 

“Yes. We are good to go, I went over everything four times and you guys are all set,” Katie replied with a soft smile. 

Nat grinned. “Of course we are, we’ve got the world’s best assistant on our side!”

Katelyn giggled nervously, pushing her hair behind her ears. “I don’t know about world’s best, but I try,” she said humbly. “I just want to make sure you are all safe and able to be the world’s best superheroes.”

Bruce patted Katie on the knee. “It’s very much appreciated.”

\---------- 

The comms had cut out four minutes ago.

Katelyn’s heart was in her throat as she desperately worked to reboot the jet’s system. 

Focus.

Come on.

Focus.

Focus. 

“God damn it,” she breathed, exasperated, hands shaking. “Does anyone copy?”

Literal radio silence.

“Shit.” Katie stared at the wiring, trying to remember the troubleshooting guide she had studied the night before. Finally locating what looked to be the correct wires, she connected them, and the dashboard came back to life. 

Katelyn exhaled a heavy, shaky breath. “Nat? Steve? Does anyone copy?”

“I copy, Cl- hit, need med- on our- two minutes,” Natasha’s reply came crackling through the comms. 

Half of Nat’s message cut out, but Katie didn’t have long to wonder as her and Clint came stumbling onto the quinjet’s ramp less than two minutes later. 

“Clint! Oh my god, what happened?” Katelyn rushed over to where Nat was guiding Clint, his shoulder bleeding heavily.

Clint grimaced. “Comms went down, and I didn’t get the memo that there were hostiles engaging. Guy got a lucky shot.”

Katie’s breath caught, her stomach plummeting. “Oh my god, oh my god. I am so sorry. I don’t know what happened, I was trying to fix the system as quickly as possible. I should’ve gotten it faster, I don’t know what-“

“Katie, calm down,” Clint interrupted, not unkindly. “It wasn’t you. HYDRA sent out a frequency that interrupted our communications. We were actually surprised you got it rebooted as fast as you did,” he explained, groaning as Nat pressed against the wound in his shoulder.

Katelyn closed her mouth before more apologies could pour out, and backed away slightly, shaking her head. That wasn’t acceptable. She should’ve done better. Clint shouldn’t have been injured. 

It was her fault.

\---------- 

Bucky watched as the second they touched down at the tower, Katie ran off (after making sure everyone else was okay), muttering some excuse about reports. He furrowed his brow later when she returned to the common area, face pale and clammy, eyes tinted red. That soft place in his heart ached to know what was going on with her, wanted to protect her from the horrors of the world.

He didn’t know that the real horrors already lived inside her mind.


	4. Atonement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She managed to keep it mostly together until she got into her apartment, turned the locks and set the deadbolt. 
> 
> Then the voices found their freedom.
> 
> _TW: eating disorders, anxiety_

By the time the quinjet finally hit its landing, Katelyn’s anxiety had reached a fever pitch. She could hardly make out the conversations taking place around her - all she could hear was a steady repetition of _no, no, wrong, bad, bad, bad._ She couldn’t even remember if she had acknowledged the rest of the team before making a run for the elevator. 

She managed to keep it mostly together until she got into her apartment, turned the locks and set the deadbolt. 

Then the voices found their freedom.

_You injured Clint.  
You endangered the Avengers.  
You weren’t quick enough.  
You weren’t smart enough.  
You caused the problem.  
You are the problem._

Katelyn dug her fingers into her hair, squeezing her eyes shut. 

_You could have gotten someone killed.  
Why didn’t you realize the system had been tampered with?  
Why hadn’t you ensured that there was a backup system?  
Why hadn’t you prepared a safety plan?  
You can’t even do your job right.  
You need to do better.  
You need to be better.  
You need to fix this._

Her breathing grew even more erratic, her mind racing with the events of the day. She had eaten some fruit and a protein bar earlier, her logical brain knowing that she would need the fuel for the mission. Now that that was a bonafide failure, she felt the weight of the food she had eaten piling on top of the already bubbling guilt. 

She needed to get rid of it. She needed quiet. 

Katelyn felt a head rush, some really fucked up part of her excited to carry this out. She ran into her bathroom, got on her knees, and positioned her right two fingers in a familiar spot in her throat. 

When the deed had been done, the waterworks flooded in. She cried for her failure, her imperfection, her worthlessness, her weakness. She cried for Clint, for the new friends she had made and let down. She cried because no matter what she did or who she tried to be, _it was never good enough._

 _Get over yourself,_ Katelyn told herself, banging her head against the bathroom wall. _It’s nothing new._

She took a deep breath before slowly standing up and walking over to her vanity. God, you’re a mess – inside and out.

Taking a makeup wipe, she rubbed off some remaining smudges of dirt and mascara before dabbing a little bit of concealer under her red-rimmed eyes. She looked like shit, sure, but at least she’s had plenty of practice creating the illusion of normality. 

She pulled her hair into a messy bun piled at the top of her head and changed into a baggy sweatshirt and leggings before heading to the common room, where she knew the rest of the team (minus Clint) would be gathering for a debrief. On her way out, she grabbed her travel mug, knowing that she would want to take advantage of the inevitable pot of coffee that Tony would be brewing.

\---------- 

“-not even sure how they got there in the first place.”

Katelyn realized upon entering the common room that she was the last to arrive. Nat, Bruce, Steve, and Bucky were sitting on the couches with Tony pacing the floor in front of the television screen. Katie quietly slipped into the kitchen, filling her mug before padding out to the others. She pulled a chair up behind the sofa occupied by Steve and Bucky, making brief eye contact with Natasha across the room.

“According to this, all communication about this mission was sent in code, and it doesn’t show any instances of interception,” Tony explained, gesturing to a file FRIDAY had pulled up on the screen. “But somehow, they knew enough about the mission and our comms to pull that interruption.”

“Someone might be tapping into our servers,” Natasha said, eyebrows furrowed. 

Tony sighed. “That’s what I’m worried about. FRIDAY is still a fairly new system, and while she’s designed to continue learning and evolving, there is a small, tiny, miniscule possibility that something could have slipped through the cracks. I’m running deep diagnostics as we speak and will update everyone as soon as I know anything.”

Katelyn bit her lip. She knew, logically, that this made sense. That HYDRA really could have interrupted the system and planned this whole attack. But a bigger, much more irrational part of her still blamed herself.

“Doll?”

Katie jumped, her eyes snapping to the voice. She met Bucky’s concerned gaze and felt a low heat rising in her cheeks. “I’m sorry Bucky, I didn’t realize you were talking to me,” she admitted, sheepishly. She also hadn’t realized that everyone else had filtered out, and they were the only two left in the room.

Bucky gave her a small smile. “You don’t have to be sorry. I was just trying to get your attention to ask ya if you were alright.”

Katelyn pasted on a smile that she hoped would pass for normal. “Yeah, Buck, I’m fine. Just a little tired. Not used to all of this activity,” she said with a weak laugh.

Bucky saw right through the smile that failed to reach her eyes, but didn’t press her on it. “I get it. It’s pretty overwhelming. What do ya say we throw on a movie and just forget about stuff for a couple ‘a hours?”

“That sounds wonderful, but I actually think I’m just gonna head to bed,” Katie said apologetically. “Unless… you could really use the company?” she asked, uncertainly.

Bucky knew this was code for “unless you’re trying to stave off the nightmares,” but that wasn’t the case this time around. He just wanted to be selfish and comfort you in an obviously rough time, but he wouldn’t force you to open up to him.

He shook his head. “Go get some rest, doll. Take care of yourself.”

Katelyn hesitated before nodding, heading back towards the elevator before looking back at Bucky. “Rain check, though?” she asked shyly.

Bucky smiled softly. “Of course.”


End file.
